Hey there blogland...yes I am alive! Am I well.....depends on which day you ask me and the mood I am in. After yet another sleepless night I have decided it was time to update here with all that has been goin on in my little world.
Firstly, there has been trouble in the form of my ex sister in law running off with my niece. She picked her up for an over night visit from my brother & vanished. We think from a mailing address on a letter that arrived after the fact that she has crossed state lines into QLD. If this is the case then she can be charged with kidnapping as she did not have his consent to take her. It is difficult to sit by & just be a spectator in this, knowing that there is absolutely nothing we can do to help the situation. Chin up Dave, we love you & are here for you whenever & wherever you need us to be.
My little family here is chugging along as per always. Jimmy is growing extremely fast into a man & I am often struck by that fact when I look at him & have a conversation with him. He now has a new girlfriend after being single for over 12 months. He seems to be very happy with her & no I have not met her as yet but the cutesy pics I see on msn and myspace make me believe he is very happy there. Justin aka Shrimpy is well..Justin. Not much seems to phase him & he plods along in his own little universe half the time oblivious to the rest of us around here lol. Rebekkah, OMG is in her last year of primary school. So YES she is growing up! It scares me so to see it happening especially when you notice how she is maturing in little ways in attitude, looks & well overall really. Still a stunner & has a heart as big as they come. Jessica, our little comedian. She is finishing her first year in school & it is really scary at how much she has grown not jsut physically but mentally in that time. She is a very popular little girl and has a whole group of friends whom she natters on about non stop.
Jut & I: Well..where & what do I say here? I will be honest & say that the main reason this blog has not been updated for sometime is that because I can never find the right words for this part. Though last night at 4am, they popped into my head. Things are not good in the slightest here. We can spend entire days barely speaking & I am afraid to say that is quite normal now. I think things changed for us this year & so not for the better. Communication died early in the year & the rest sort of followed suit. the happy faces for family & friends has been in place all year & try as I might, I can not do it anymore. So here, publicly for the first time I can say, I am miserable. I am truly at my lowest ebb EVER in my feelings for him. We lead seperate lives whilst living under the one roof. Interests no longer meet in the middle as they once did & the only conversation we seem to have in regarding the kids. We talk around the issue of a severly cracked & broken marriage. He wants to believe its all going to be ok...where I have stopped believing that & know for a fact it will never be ok again. I have cried as much as a person can over it all and I am now at the point of acceptance. That sometimes there is just nothing you can say or do to make things right. I have in fact been hiding as I do so well when I can not bare to face things. The place I hide is where my life is as perfect as I want it to be. A virtual world where I am truly the star of my own life & not the bit player I am in my real life. I want the starring role in my life! Nobody shoul dever be made to feel as thoguh they dont count & that they dont contribute to that life. I just want to get through Christmas and then all will be clearer I hope. Yes more bloody happy faces for family!
Now, where have I been hiding? I hide in the virtual world of Second Life. At least in there I am a single, successful businesswoman to be reckoned with. I have a wonderful existance in there. I own my own home which is one of the best that money can buy, I wear the most fabulous clothing & I answer only to me. I have met some amazing & I do mean AMAZING people there all of whom have inspired me in one way or another. A couple of them have become extremely close friends as we have gotten to know each other over the last 5 months. Through this place I have also become more aware of who I am and what I do want in my life. There are chances that need to be grabbed with both hands & clung too, not jsut in a virtual world but also in the real world too. This is something of a realization for me of late as it has made me sit back & take a good long look at my life. It made me wake up & realise I am not happy in my situation and that I do want more. Not jsut a little bit more but the whole shebang! I want to be seen for ME! I want to wanted for ME! I dont want to feel like crap for just being here. Dammit....I want to be loved for being ME! There, I said it! I want to stand atop my roof & scream at the top of my lungs....LOOK AT ME DAMMIT!!!! SEE ME!!! But for those that do see me, I dont need too....for those that dont...it is their loss. I am a warm, wonderful woman who is intelligent,witty,funny,caring & generous with herself. I am a force to be reckoned with in the real world. It has taken me a long time to see that for myself but when it smacks you in the face at 4am, you know it to be true!
So where does this blog entry leave me? No longer confused...very much knowing where I want to be in my life. I want to be the star. Front & centre stage! I fully intend to be there too. the new year will see me there....enjoying my life for the first time in a very long time.
BTW, if you have me on msn....dont be scared to say hi..I dont bite...I do miss all you girls from the scrapping world....one day I am hoping to get back there - she says as she sits surrounded by all her supplies.
Love to all!
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9 comments:
I admire you for being brave enough to admit your feelings out loud Tez, chin up and we are here for you when you return to the scrapping fold....*big hugs*
sending love your way mate - and a huge pat on the back for facing "yourself" and letting go!
you know were we are!
{{{HUGS}}} for you Tez .....Im going to shout out a big HIYA next time I see you logged on to msn chickie
Krissy xx
Hiya Terri, what a huge step ...congratulations....it must be so scary to say it out aloud rather than hold it in and wonder!
I sometimes feel a little like that myself but in no way like you of course, just the itty bitt bit about needing to grab and hold on....im stll trying to find me as well i guess, thankyou for sharing with us, trite words but so very important to you.
Im sorry that things are like you wish them to be but god it takes alot of courage to get it out and i wish you all the best:)XX
Hi Terry, there's some powerful emotions on this blog. It's not easy to face up to troubles and confront the issues. It looks like you have made some decisions which could big and scary when put into place.I hope all works out for you in the new year. Don't forget to seek some professional help if you feel too overwhelmed.
Hi Terry, been wondering where you've been. I'm sure that getting those feeling out in the open (so to speak) will be therapeutic for you and hopefully you can find a solution that will eventually make you happy. You deserve to be happy and scrapping and loving life again.
I miss you too Terri....it was heart wrenching reading but it looks like your positive attitude will pull you through. Hope you feel better for getting it 'out there'. I think about you all the time and am guilty also for not keeping in touch with you or the others as much as I used to, but I still often fondly recall our wonderful Melbourne trip last Feb and think of the fantastic time we had and the friendships we made. I am always 'here' for you.....take care Terri....love ya! Julie xxx
Hey Tezz..... Very proud of you taking the "stand tall and be proud" action in your life. My heart and my thoughts are with you and if you ever need an ear or a shoulder... Im here for you. Missing you heaps in cyberworld but knowing you, I know you will bounce back stronger than ever.... Big hugs hon!!!!!
Oh Terri, I could read between the lines months ago and it must be so hard for you to keep up the pretence for so long. I hope Xmas brings some New Years resolutions for you to resolve things one way or another. I agree you are the star in your show I know just how you feel. I was once the brightest light and often feel like a fading star:( I need me some adventure in my life!!! Maybe I should join you in your 2nd life!!lol!!
Have the best Christmas you can.
Love and Hugs Ruth xxx
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