I Need To Vent Here

Ok so over the last week things have been very stressful and I am not talking about Eric heading back to the USA. I was hit with an earth shattering request last Monday and I have been reeling ever since. It has come to a head today as I am wound so tight I am ripe for 'snapping'. Comments are not required on this post..I merely need to get it all out of my head..so I apologize in advance if the post jumps all over the place...like I said I am venting.

So last Monday I logged into Skype and my ex husband asked how I was, knowing full well Eric had left the day before. I said I was ok,still raw from crying most of the night but I was overall ok. After a little while of chatting about life in general, he asks me a question that turned my world upside down. 'Would you agree to (insert girlfriends name) adopting Jessica?' That one question took every ounce of breathe from my lungs. All I could say was 'WHAT?!?!' He went on to state his case that with me moving to the USA that it would give him peace of mind should something happen to him that Jessica is not disrupted...well yes I understand that part BUT I am still wondering why the adoption question. I told him it is not something I could answer without much thought & I needed to discuss it with Eric. Well apparently in my ex's world the only people who have input on this question is himself, his girlfriend & I...but he was told in no uncertain terms that Eric is my fiance, he has valid input in this as much as his girlfriend does.

I logged out of Skype, wound tight & in a sobbing mess. A million disjointed thoughts running through my mind. 'How could he ask such a thing?' 'WHY would he want me out of my daughter's life permanently?' 'Is being a step mom not enough for her?' 'OMG this hurts someone make it stop please!' That last one is still circling my head over a week later!

I sought some advice from a cherished friend who was in a similar situation as a child....it was nice to have another perspective to view it from. At the end of the day..I have never waivered from my stance of a big resounding NO!! A child is not something you just 'give away' So what I will be living in the USA, thousands of other families deal with inter country separation, they deal with step parents, they deal with it all and it works!

Fast forward to this week, I have told my ex that my decision is NO to adoption. Regardless of me living overseas, I am not ok with signing away my parental rights to my daughter. I am NOT ok with him asking that of me. I am NOT ok with being shut out of her life. The answer is a definite NO! Aside from the fact they are not married, she is MY daughter...I carried her through a hellish pregnancy, I gave birth to her and watched her grow, I kissed those tiny fingers & toes, I marveled at her every single day. YES Jessica & my ex husband have a bond that has always astounded me & I will admit a bond I was jealous of. My other 3 children were always close to me but Jessica was always close to her dad...I was mum but it seemed at times like I was the outsider...but I made my peace with that and enjoyed watching them together.

I have shed more tears this week over this and the distance between us is felt even more so. There was a tantrum thrown by my ex & his girlfriend the other day over Eric asking a simple question -- 'How would she (the gf) feel if the roles were reversed..if she was asked to give up her own child for adoption? To give up all legal rights to her child?' This created WW25. Suffice to say, my ex & I now barely speak at all because he fails to understand where I am coming from & he seems to think that my fiance has no validity in this...well newsflash...He is also Jessica's step father once we are married..so he has as much input & validity as the girlfriend!!!

At the end of the day the choice is a resounding NO! I will not be giving up my daughter, much to their dismay. I may be living in the USA but she is still MY daughter. They may be spoiling her totally & utterly rotten with whatever she wants..they have the income to do that. They may have a charmed life with just the 3 of them...well guess what...all good things come to an end eventually...that charmed little bubble will pop...Karma has a way of biting one in the ass when you least expect it!

I told you this post was going to be all over the place...but I needed to vent in the worst way...I am feeling a little better. If someone who is related to my ex reads this and wants to cause trouble...go right ahead BUT before you do...put yourself in my position...would you be willing to give up your child? Because I can not do that...it is bad enough I have to live with the fact I am merely a small bit player in her life because of circumstance. So do your best...try to make me crumble as you will fail...I am a heck of a lot stronger then you think I am.

Ok..time to shake myself & restart my day.