Stop the stress train from rolling over me for jsut one day this month? I mean seriously...I am totally over it all atm. Vacation can not happen fast enough!! 15 days til I fly out for the vacation of my lifetime...and I truly can not wait!
What has been causing the stress I hear you ask? More to the point what ISN'T causing the stress?!?! Co-Habitating with a man I am seperated from is not an easy feat though that said we are getting along better now than we have in quite some time ..I dont mean weeks or months I am talking years! We have renewed the friendship we once shared without the pressure of a marriage & all the expectations that go with it. We laugh more & talk more, support each other & funnily enough are on the same page for the first time in a very long time. It is comforting to know that the friendship we started out with is still alive & kicking.
The kids -- well here is a mini blow by blow on that score.
James aka Jimmy: He turns 18 this coming Sunday (31st May) Every day it has amazed me that he is now that old. I wont say he is a man because seriously it is merely a number and he does have a heck of a lot fo growing up to do yet. But he is doing ok I guess. There have been soem major incidents this year between he & myself and I suppose that is to be expected but they are heart breaking every time. Twice in the last two months I have been devastated by his words or actions & last night was the absolute low point. No details will be given here considering it is a very public arena but suffice to say I was sickened to my very core, and that will take quite a lot of time to dissipate. We have his birthday dinner with his friends this coming Saturday night, and I am looking forward to it but at the same time I am dreading Sunday morning....despite all the heartache of late -- my baby is becoming of age.
Justin aka Shrimpy: Well this kid must have a serious death wish!!! He is not doing all he is meant to despite the team at CHW kicking his butt! The hand washing he is meant to do he doesn't, the general upkeep of his machine and his own health -- he doesn't do. He is 16 & needs to take some of the responsibility for his health on his own shoulders but won't for whatever reasons. I do all the things I am meant to for him but as the saying goes: You can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink. I want him to be healthy, ealthy enough for the transplant that is ahead, but he does not seem to understand that or want to. It is maddening more then I can even put into words! In another side of his health stuff we had the first round of Tissue Typing done yesterday for the Donor List. The amount of blood they take for it is enough to make me feel faint but he took it in his stride like he always has with those tests.
Rebekkah aka Bek or Boo: Talk about growing up faster then I can cope with. She is at that lovely age of being a 'tween' Not a little girl but not a teen either. There has been some major headbutting between her & myself over the last week or two. Her attitude has left me speechless & at wit's end on what to do with her. There was an incident last night betweent he three oldest children that left me sickened to my core. I have never been so disappointed or disgusted with any of my kids as I was last night...and sadly it was Bek who was the one I was most disappointed in, the most disgusted by. I truly looked at her & it was like looking at a stranger....who was this girl before me?!?!?! Have the hormones that are surging through her body robbing me of the girl I knew and called a friend? Are they responsible for her totally our of character behaviour? Where is my daughter?
Jessica aka Princess or Pretty Girl: She is always the same. Well for the most part anyway. She has been struggling to deal with the marital split & the fact that we won't all be living together shortly. Everytime the topic comes up she breaks down into tears which in turn tears my heart out every single time. For a child I have never been particularly close too this last month has killed me & made the two of us bond in a way that fills my heart with love for her. No matter what the future holds for her I know she will embrace it with open arms and a smile on her face. She is so much like her father in outlook on life...never pessimistic always optimistic even when things are dark.
That is what is happening with the kids -- in a nut shell. Now if you are wondering what is happening with me -- that is another very very long story. All this is going on & there are moments when I can do nothing but cry...and trust me I should own the kleenex company for all the tissues I have used. It seems every other day my heart is torn apart over something or the other & all I do is cry & pray that vacation will get here in a hurry! I need to get away to recharge & just be me. I need to breathe freely, speak without fear of someone being upset or hurt. To not have to raise my voice in anger at all. 9 bliss filled carefree days. I have my passport ready, my ESTA approval, I am ready to go. I need to start packing and can do that ahead of time as it is Summer there so I can pack my stuff & know I am ready to hop on that airport shuttle the morning it picks me up. I will be taking my laptop so that I can keep in touch with the children while away as I found out the roaming costs will kill me to call home -- $3.85 per minute USD! Hence the laptop going with me so I can call home on msn or using skype to the house phone for 2cents per minute.
Onto something a little happier.....Monday saw me out at Peta's place to spend the day scrapping with the girls. Kate & Carol were there as well as others, but I have to say my soul needed that. I needed to see the women who mean so much to me & yet I rarely tell them that. They became friends through a mutual love of our craft, and we have shared so many laughs...I will truly miss them when I move. They have always let me know that they are there & I have always smiled & said thanks but never really 'let' them be there. Peta has listened a few times while I poured my heart out over the scrap table...and here I want to say thank you. Thank you for being the friends that you are to me. Thank you for never judging, always listening & always being there with a smile & a cuddle especially when I have been so absent. You girls mean the world to me & I have been very remiss in letting you know that. When I get back from vacation & before I move away I would love nothing more then for us all to get together for lunch or dinner.... just the girls so we can have some adult time & Kate I will even bring you some Tim Tam Mint Crush biscuits lol
I better go eat something -- if you have read this far -- my hat goes off to you...took me ages to stop tears long enough to type each section....but for those who have read and may be sitting there thinking I have blogged this for public sympathy -- WRONG! I have blogged this on MY blog purely to clear my head..so I can breathe again...and to let certain people know what they mean to me. There are others I would love to mention just what they mean to me but today is not the time nor place.
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4 comments:
Sounds like you have had your plate full. I remember the growing up years with the kids. she was not too bad but he was sometimes a little headache. I love them both very much but am glad they are grown and on their own.
Wow take a deep breath girl and enjoy the vacation.
I hear you about the kids and I can say that how you felt about Bek is a common tween reaction. My daughter is now 15 and she still does this but at that in between age they are trying so hard to figure out where they belong that they tend to lose themselves...hang in there I am sure she will be back to the girl you know and love in no time.
As for the 18 year old I think you are totally right 18 is just a number and doesn't make them a man. My son is almost 19 and he still isn't an adult.
Good luck with all that is on your plate, you are in my thoughts and prayers, hang in there.
wow Terri, you are going through so much!! sounds like you need a holiday LOL, just keep on keeping on it can only get better from here :) I had so much fun catching up with you the other day, it is always so easy when we are all together, can't wait to do it again, don't forget those time tams hehehe - hugs to you gorgeous!!!! *mwah* xxx travel safe!!!
well you bought me to tears thanks babe - you are soooo sweet ....
happy holidays and ENJOY your YOU time!!!!
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